HomeAbstract of 7th-icgss“You Have to Learn to Be Selfish, To Not Need Love…” Gendered Subjectivity, Love Power and Relational Colonization in Youth’s Romantic Relationships

“You Have to Learn to Be Selfish, To Not Need Love…” Gendered Subjectivity, Love Power and Relational Colonization in Youth’s Romantic Relationships

  • Jun 18, 2026
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Abstract Book of the 7th International Conference on Gender Studies and Sexuality

Year: 2026

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“You Have to Learn to Be Selfish, To Not Need Love…” Gendered Subjectivity, Love Power and Relational Colonization in Youth’s Romantic Relationships

Unnur Edda Garðarsdóttir, Berglind Rós Magnúsdóttir

ABSTRACT:

Courtship practices in Western societies have evolved with the changing social landscape, reflecting a shift towards greater individual freedom and a departure from traditional norms. This paper focuses on the micro-politics of heterosexual courtship and romantic love among young people in Iceland. The aim of the research was to explore which discourses shape dating and love practices and what the implications of these are. The dataset comprises 18 semi-structured interviews conducted with young individuals aged 18 to 32. The analysis draws on Butler‘s theory of gender on the one hand and Jónasdóttir‘s theory of love power on the other. Findings suggest that those socialized as women tend to adopt the subject position of the love provider, aligning themselves with their partner while sidelining their own subjectivity, with negative effects on self-confidence and sense of agency. Conversely, those raised as young men tend to draw on the discourse of the assertive, powerful male and to experience an expansion of the self and an enhancement of their agency through their relations with women. This creates relationality that not only has the potential to contribute to the exploitation of love power, but also a colonization of one by the other. These different ways of relating create inequalities in the capacity to influence the other, to elicit and enjoy caretaking, and to accrue self-worth and value in an intimate setting. Thus, the findings underscore the importance of de-privatizing the micro-politics of romantic relations to address their impact on gender inequality in a broader context.

Keywords: Dating; Heterosexuality; Iceland; Inequality; Youth